(This post was originally published in my October 2022 newsletter. You can sign up HERE)

You are NOT going to believe the synchronicity of this post! 

About a week ago I had a dream. It went a little something like this: 

I was with a group of gay guys at some holiday accommodation, where we shared a bungalow or a house of some sort. 

It felt like I was the eldest person in the group, but connected with two of the younger ones over nailpolish (I paint my nails from time to time). 

We were all getting ready to go to a lunch in some sort of eating hall. At this hall there was another group, all older women around my Mom’s age and I also bonded with a few of them. 

I grabbed a black paper plate (fancy, like!) and dished up for myself while chatting to one lady. We were laughing and having a good time, when the gay guys asked me why I am eating out of a paper plate? They – the gay group – had brought their own ceramic plates (which weren’t prettier than the matt black paper plates, to be honest), and they made it clear it was uncool to be eating out of paper plates. 

The ladies group found this preposterous and were all laughing at this. They were all siding with me, and could not fathom why this was such an issue. 

All-in-all it made me feel a little awkward: here I am between two groups whom I connect with on certain levels, and yet I don’t fit in with either one. Age, sex, orientation, interests, habits, values… all of them made me stand out and not fit in. 

As I was writing down my dream in my journal, I was reminded of a conversation with a friend a few years ago. And this is where it gets freaky! 

I needed to get ready to publish a blog post for this month. 

Usually I check the newsletter content from past editions and simply repost, making a few adjustments. I try to stay on track and connected to the timeline by posting a newsletter from a corresponding month in the past. For instance, the July 2022’s newsletter was recycled into the July 2024 blog post. 

When I checked my line-up of newsletters, I could see that I had October 2022 in the cue: it was exaclty two years ago that I had that conversation with my friend. I know this because I had written about it in that newsletter!

So, here it is: 

The thought stuck with me.

What the f**k did she mean by that? 
 
Ever since then I have been pondering her words, measuring the ideas she tried to convey to the image of myself that I have in my head. I look at photos of myself, the way I dress, and the places I go to. What does it all say about me? 
 
And she is absolutely right! I am not like anybody I know, and I am not like any of the people I associate with. If anything, I am awkward. There is a bit of a chameleon within me that adapts to my environment, takes on (or, more like PUTS on) the colours of the crowd and does my best to be the crowd. 
 
At the same time, I tend to do my best to “be different”: I try to stand out so that I may fit in. Can you see the f**king problem here? 
 
It all comes down to acceptance! Each one of us wants to be accepted and we will do what we can to find that acceptance. If it wasn’t for this message from my friend, I would not have realised how much I am doing this. Some of us do what the crowd does, while others condemn the crowd for the sake of being accepted by another crowd. 
 
My findings are not yet definitive. The investigation into my own psyche is incomplete. If I have to be honest, I have to say that it has opened up a whole can of worms and alerted me to the fact that maybe I am not being completely authentic in everything I do. Perhaps I am so desperate to be human, that I have allowed myself to become a poser*? 
 
I have now begun asking myself whenever I am engaging in an activity, whether I am doing it because I love doing it, or because I love the attention it gets me. My eyes are opening slowly to who I believe I am as opposed to who I act to be. 
 
*poser: From 90’s counter (or alternative) culture, a poser is a person who does their best to fit into a particular group, usually by emulating the group’s clothing styles, mannerisms, tastes in music and even dance style. 

Why is this significant?

I did not want to broadcast this, but my birthday is next week.

I am turning FIFTY. Five fucking OH!

50!!!

Half a century.

It has only been the last couple of weeks that I have been able to reconcile the face in the mirror with the face on a photograph, and more specifically the photos that OTHER people take of me.

I don’t ever feel like I fit in. Least of all with the old people that are also as old as I am probably going to be.

At the same time I know how I try and try to fit in, and don’t manage to do it. At school I wanted to look Goth, but I wasn’t Goth.

In my late 20s I did drag shows and was part of the drag crowd. But I wasn’t a Drag Queen.

I went to Raves but wasn’t a Raver.

I did drugs but wasn’t a druggie.

I worked in I.T. but did not have a computer at home, or engage in geek activities like LAN-ing (network games).

I am a Reiki Master, Psychic Guidance counsellor and all-round spirichal-whoo-whoo person, but my personal beliefs do not fit in with any of my other spirichal friends.

Yet, in each of those cases I did stuff in the hopes of fitting in. Stuff like wear the clothes, said the slang, flapped the wrists, feigned interest in fandoms, and so on.

My own biggest clue should probably have been the fact that I don’t even listen to ‘gay’ music! You can keep your Lana DeathRey and Taylor Spit and Sha-naai-haar Toon. Give me Rod Steward and Phil Collins and Sting and George Ezra.

And you know what the funny thing was?

This whole experience has reminded me not to try and change that, because the more you resist something (in this case my attempts at wanting to fit in) the more you end up doing it.

Instead, all I need to do is to accept that I will always try in some way to fit in. Chances are that I won’t ever succeed, and that is neither here nor there. It is just a journey; a thing that I do.

I wonder how many of you are doing exactly the same thing, without having been awakened to that fact?